Tea Time With Jesse

Six of One, Half Dozen the Other

Archive for September, 2010

Yet More of Phrases I Like

Posted by middlerage on September 30, 2010

Right now the remnants of Tropical Storm Nicole are dumping all over the mid-Atlantic.

Which reminds me of another phrase I love:

Raining to beat the band

can also be used in other situations, like my toddler is crying to beat the band.

This phrase is just so …Jazzy! /show your jazz hands

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Note to Self…

Posted by middlerage on September 30, 2010

…if I ever run for office, don’t lie on my resume. Don’t embellish college attendance. Don’t claim Vietnam service.

I wouldn’t do any of that.

But Sheesh, what’s up with candidates these days?

Posted in Politicks, short ones | 1 Comment »

More of Phrases I like

Posted by middlerage on September 23, 2010

Piss or get off the pot

Piss or get off the pot is a useful phrase for when you’re in exasperating situations with some dufus who can’t make up his or her mind. I say it a lot behind slowpokes at the traffic light. I don’t have a lot of patience that way.

So here is the newly expanded list as it now stands.

Phrases I like

  • Piss or get off the pot
  • Tear him/her a new asshole
  • Put some mustard on it
  • Now you’re shittin’ in tall cotton
  • a fine kettle of fish
  • Back-handed compliment (Damning with faint praise)
  • Hotter than a two dollar pistol
  • Brown as a berry

Well this is a fine kettle of fish,” Charlene (pronounced with a hard ‘ch’ sound) said as she eyeballed the two gasping women lying on the floor.

Charlene was back from two blissful weeks on the beach and was now directing the Daughters of the Buffalo Plains annual bake sale. She was brown as a berry and well rested, so it was with an unusual sense of calm that she viewed the tangle of limbs, chairs, plates, and baked goods sprawled across the floor of the VFW hall.

“What the hell is going on here?” She said coolly, pronouncing hell, ‘hill’. Charlene surveyed the gaggle of prim ladies standing in a rough cluster around the scene of destruction.

“Well,” piped up Eloise, pronouncing it like ‘weel’, “Laurdane, here, was placing her brownies on the table and braggin’ on how delicate and cake like they was, when Irma Jean muttered quiet-like, but soes everybody could hear, y’all know how Irma Jean is, that Laurdane should make cake or brownies, and to get off the fence,” without so much as a breath, Eloise continued like an auctioneer on benzedrine, “and Laurdane heard that and she said, Why Irma Jean I declare, if you have something to say, then say it, so Irma Jean turned to Laurdane,” (the auctioneer barreled on), “and says, Laurdane nobody wants no dry ole ‘cake-like’ brownies, and why don’t you jis piss or get off the pot! Well!” there was that ‘weel’ again, as Eloise finally expanded in a breath, “Laurdane jis hauled off and slapped Irma Jean…”

“And put some mustard on it too,” Shirley Jo Milkins cut in, fanning herself and mumbling to JoElla, who was standing next to her, ’bout how it was ‘hotter’n a two pistol in this dang VFW hall.’

Eloise unheedful of the interruption, “…and Irma Jean jis stood there gawkin’, and that’s whin they commenced to pulling hai…”

but Charlene was through listening to the breathless recountin’, “Thank you Eloise, you’re always so helpful…even after you’ve stopped being helpful.” The backhanded compliment causing a titter to ripple through the gathered buffaloes.

Charlene looked at Laurdane and Irma Jean, and mused about tearing each a new asshole. But in the end, the residue of her vacation won over, “Alright ladies,” she said with a sigh, “let’s get this mess cleaned up. We gotta bake sale startin’ in one hour!”

As Charlene blew a sweaty lock off of her forehead she recalled the two week vacation of daytime beaches and nighttime shag clubs and realized she’d really been shittin’ in tall cotton. A year was gonna be a long time to wait for the next beach vacay.

Think you can do better? Then bring it on! and put some mustard on it! All reader submissions will get a day in the sunshine.

Posted in Phrases I like | 3 Comments »

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