It’s Too Dang Hot to Post

It is a slow week here at Tea Time. The enveloping miasma of muggy magma that pretends to be the eastern half of the United States has slowed things down. Why…It’s hotter’n a two dollar pistol.

And I must give fair warning that middlerage is headed to the beach next week (where I plan to become as brown as a berry, and feel like I am shittin in tall cotton whilst sipping margaritas as big as your head). So unless I enter the 21st century and plot revolutions on my iPad from a hotspot, there will be a dearth (A dearth I say!) of postings for the next fortnight. Note to readers: I own no iPad. Zero smart phones. Nada on the Blackberry front.

I do, however, own a laptop, so maybe I’ll down a ‘rita and drunk dial…errrr, blog. I luvvvv my readers sooo much….

The current weather nominates an entry to the Phrases I like category, the eminently utile “It ain’t the heat, it’s the humidity.” So while it isn’t a favorite phrase, it can happily be filed in the “Phrases I don’t necessarily like, but find useful” cubbyhole. And, gee whillikers, what is it about high humidity? I sweat gobs, and never feel relief. It isn’t that there is too much water in the air to allow my sweat to evaporate. (It is a common misconception to think of the air as “holding” water vapor. Air is – as the first sentence of most meteorology textbooks explain – a “mechanical mixture” of gases, and the distance between molecules is so vast, at that scale, you could easily cram tons of water vapor into the spaces and air would never know the difference). Rather, it must be that as fast as my sweat evaporates, other water vapor is condensing onto me. A vicious cycle, allowing no heat to be carried away. I’m pretty sure there’s a gradient calculation in there as well.

I remember when I first moved to central Texas, years ago, from the arid southwest. It was the first time I had ever experienced humidity, and unfortunately, the region was experiencing a record breaking heatwave for July. I would walk outside, and literally be enervated within ten paces of the front door (which is fancy talk for having the freakin bones melted out of you). I’ve since become adapted, and can handle the muggy heat pretty well for a desert rat.

Speaking of Phrases I like, I had a nice conversation the other day with anonynurse, aka lil’ sis’, and we came up with a good candidate for a T-shirt or bumper sticker: Just because I’m vegetarian doesn’t mean I’m judging you. Cuz, ya know, I’m not. So simmer down, and don’t stress about eating meat in front of me. (Just for the record, this applies to anonynurse, as middlerage is more of a carnetarian. With spicy brown mustard.)

I think it is time to do a little housekeeping and reorganize the continuing roster of Phrases I like. I want to better acknowledge reader contributions, so I am adding a cubby hole for that, AND, I want to invite more ideas for the oughta-be-a-T-shirt cubby hole. Readers?….

The continuing Roster of Phrases I like:

• Truth is stranger than fiction
• Peace through superior firepower
• Shut your freakin’ piehole
• Reduce, Reuse, Recycle
• Expect the worst, hope for the best
• He’s so big he must go bear huntin’ with a switch
• As big as your head
• Better than a sharp poke in the eye
• Piss or get off the pot
• Tear him/her a new asshole
• Put some mustard on it
• Now you’re shittin’ in tall cotton
• Raining to beat the band
• Back-handed compliment (Damning with faint praise)
• Hotter than a two dollar pistol
• Brown as a berry

Contributions from readers and the Phrases They like:

• Gird your loins (from Mark C.)
• Put your best foot forward (from Mark C, who actually dislikes this phrase, haha)
• Grinnin’ like a fox eatin’ shit from a wire brush (from Mark L.)
• This is a fine kettle of fish (from anonynurse)
• Chile so hot it burns twice (from Fatman)

There oughta be a T-shirt:

• Just because I’m vegetarian, doesn’t mean I’m judging you

Phrases I don’t necessarily like, but find useful:

• It ain’t the heat, it’s the humidity
• No Such Thing As a Free Lunch
• Once Bitten Twice Shy