Tea Time With Jesse

Six of One, Half Dozen the Other

“So where do you see yourself in five years?”

Posted by middlerage on April 19, 2012

Fuck, I hate that question.

Recently, I’ve been on some (uncomfortably few) job interviews. A couple of times the interviewers have dropped this little psycho-question, and I just want to say, “Really?” This is, like, the stupidest question ever. What is HR really hoping to gain from asking this open-ended question that is subject to the interviewer’s personal mood and philosophy that day? It calls for the interviewee to be a mind reader. I’m sure I’ve explained how stable I am, own a house in the area, and hope to retire locally to the jerk-offs that are hoping to hear I want to soar to managerial heights, uproot my family, move to HQ, and become executive vice-president of innovation in five year’s time. Likewise, I bet I’ve said I want to uproot my family and soar to vice-presidential heights to the people who want to hear I am stable and unmotivated and want to stay in their drudge job for the next eon. Fuck you. We, the unemployed of America, just want to work. We don’t want to answer meaningless questions to which we only give answers we hope you want to hear.

The check’s in the mail, I won’t cum in your mouth, and I will be doing exactly want you want me to be doing in five years time. Give me the fuckin’ job already.

I mean how are you supposed to answer that question? Probably the best worker you’ll ever meet in your life has Asperger’s Syndrome and s/he will never – in a million years – ever answer the question how you want.

Herewith are some true answers to the “…where do you see yourself in five years…” question:

  • On a Caribbean beach sipping rum punch.
  • As a captain in the rebel army in the Great Anti-corporation Civil War.
  • On an off ramp, begging for change, holding a cardboard sign that says, “God Bless.”
  • Wielding a chainsaw in the great zombie apocalypse.
  • Winning the MegaMillions, but staying at my job and striving to be the worst, most annoying employee you ever hired, and keeping a law group on retainer to fight any attempts to fire me.
  • Mowing the lawn at a mental institution.
  • Becoming a cannibalistic zombie who focuses on HR managers.
  • Becoming a cannibalistic zombie who focuses on the 1%
  • Asking if you want fries with that.
  • Strummin’ the old Banjo with Dinah.
  • and my personal favoritist option of all – I see myself not having to answer that question in five years.

Thank you and try the portabello mushroom burger – it’s fresh!



6 Responses to ““So where do you see yourself in five years?””

  1. Mark Leisher said

    In five years, I will have removed that question from the interview process and fired whoever added it.

  2. Annie said

    “What do you mean in five years? Obviously when the Mayan aliens come back by the end of 2012, we will all be obliterated. But if this is the last 8 months of my life, I can’t imagine a better way to spend it than working with your company.”

  3. Dahveed said

    I see myself as your boss.

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