…And good evening folks! Ho ho ho! Rex Alpha here with ALPHA’S BEST BETS! Everything you need to know for this weekend’s entertainment. Of course, this Sunday, Rex will be tuning into the Grammy Awards along with most of YOU – to see WHO WILL take HOME the Grammy for BEST SONG of 2031. Later in our broadcast, the lovely Tamara Gamma will give us the countdown preview for this year’s crop of hit singles, but FIRST we’re going to talk with a Professor SprinkleSpratz of Columbia University. Dr. SprinkleSpratz you’re going to be doing something verrrry interesting at this year’s awards, ho ho ho, but before we get to that, FIRST tell us a little bit about yourself, Doc – You belong to something very unusual…
Well, yes, Rex, in fact I am a professor of Music at Columbia, but more importantly I am president of Musicians Local 001.
I see, and tell us what exactly you mean by “Musicians Local 001”?
Well, Rex, it’s a union, as a matter of fact.
[Rex makes a show of mock horror and bugs his eyes at camera one] A UNION! Well, I dare say folks we haven’t heard of unions in…what, oh, a decade?
Well, yes Rex. As a matter of fact, all unions were outlawed in the Great Profit Failure and CEO Revolt of 2019. However, due to the Treaty to Support Our Relations With France, (enacted several years prior), Jazz musicians and Jerry Lewis impersonators were grandfathered in.
I see. So you’re in a union of fellow Jazz musicians – so that means no pop musicians? no rock musicians? Are you a large organization?
Well, no Rex, there’s just about seven or eight of us. Our oldest member was once a member of Polkacide – who came close but never quite – being nominated for a Grammy. And you’re quite right, no rock or pop musicians allowed by law. However, we do have one rocker, the founding member of Dahveed and the Voodoo Switches, but Dahveed actually joined us when a photographers union merged with our organization.
I see, and how many people were in the Photographers union?
Well, only one, actually. So it made sense for him to throw in with us.
I see. So now on to the interesting part you’ll play in Sunday night’s awards ceremony. As we all know, the Jazz and Classical categories at the Grammys were phased out in 2027. What,… well,.. please… in your own words, professor…
Yes, well, actually, Rex, we will be outside the LA Pavilion, on Sunday night, protesting.
Protesting! [Rex turns to the camera with mock horror and bugs his eyes out] Protesting what?
Well, Rex, as you well know, fully half the nominated Grammy candidates this year are AI simulacrums. Like yourself. And we believe that, well, the AI pop stars are taking jobs, and well, frankly, the awards should be recognizing outstanding HUMAN contributions. Even though we have no ball in this game, per se, we want to protest and stick up for the budding pop stars of tomorrow. Those who may not have a chance in this industry as it is taken over by simulations.
Did you hear that, Tamara? I do believe the gentleman doesn’t like us, ho ho ho. So tell me, professor, are you actually going to get out there – Tina I had to look this up! ho ho ho – with sign boards and march a figure eight?
Well, maybe not a figure eight, but yes, Rex, that is our plan, we may even bring along a few instruments just to keep our chops up. But yes, it is going to be a good old fashioned protest. I’m quite excited. And we hope AMERICA WAKES UP! Something HAS to be done! First we saw it when Google replaced the publishing industry with AI editors, then they started to actually write the books. Next it was TV hosts, not to mention the robot cameras that are filling your studio, here. [Rex makes a face at the camera] Now our music industry, which is in my heart and soul, is being taken over by formulaic, AI crafted pablum. We can’t stand by and let robots take over our lives, our very souls. We say enough is ENOUGH!
EeeeeeNOUGH is ENOUGH! Fascinating, I dare say! There you have it folks – a real live union and a real live protest! Tell us what YOU think! Sign in to our opinion page through your teleset and give us your opinion of Professor SprinkleSpratz and his protest of non-Human pop stars. Thank you professor and best of luck. Now on to Tamara Gamma and TAMARA’S TOP TEN! Take it AWAYYYY TINA, HO HO HO…